Book #55: Assholes Finish First

Title: Assholes Finish First

Author: Tucker Max

Date started reading: April 11, 2012
Date finished reading:  April 14, 2012

Publish date: September 2010
ISBN: 978-1416938743
Number of pages: 416

Official summary: "What do you do when you've become rich and famous for writing a #1 best-selling book about your drunken, sexual misadventures? I'll tell you what I do: I write another fucking book. This is that book. Assholes Finish First is hilarious in ways you will recognize from I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, and in other, newer ways you won't. Of course it has all the sex and debauchery you expect from my writing, but with a twist. You already know how I deal with women when I am poor and anonymous. You have no idea how I do it when I have money and fame. It also answers the hard questions you've never thought of asking. What's it like to have sex with a midget? How about two of 'em? What happens when you eat too much beef jerky and then drink a gallon of vegetable juice? Or get head in an X-ray machine? The answers are inside, they are absurd, and they are the product of one man's experiences: My name is still Tucker Max, and I am still an asshole." (http://www.tuckermax.com)

How I obtained the book: Got for free through Lista.com (It's sort of like eBay without the money changing hands. You "buy" and "sell" things using credit points). I'm actually very proud of myself for this one. I almost spent the full $25.99 list price for the book several times, but held back. Finally I found it through Lista. The website gives you free credits when you sign up, which I used to "purchase" this book. The seller originally wanted $4 to pay for shipping, but I talked her out of it, so it totally was free to me.

My commentary:

• Some people seem amazed that after everything I've read (or heard) about Tucker that I'd still be entertained by him so much. Frankly I find him extremely intriguing... mainly because he has this power to fuck everything up that he touches but yet he comes out ahead in the end and then has become semi-famous and rich off his asshole behavior. Frankly I respect the fact he has been able to turn behaviors most people hate him for into major profit. 
• There are so many quotes posted on his website from this book that you can almost read the entire book in the "quotes" section of the site (well ok, not really, but it's enough that I'm sure most people wouldn't bother to read the book after reading all the quotes he posted).
• It takes me much longer to read Tucker's books than I expect. That's because I'll read a story or two and have to stop reading because I'm laughing so hard that I'm hurting. I think in the future, if I read any more books by him, I'll have to plan to only read it a little bit at a time in between other books instead of trying to read his book straight through. His humor is just too hilarious for me to read straight through 
• My favorite stories are: 1) a story about a Halloween party at which SlingBlade has duct-taped a fake parrot to his shoulder as a costume and uses the parrot to insult everyone at the party, 2) when Tucker decides to buy a police-grade bullhorn to insult everyone everywhere, 3) when Tucker and a bunch of other guys rent an RV to drive to an event called TuckerFest that can best be summed up in Tucker's own words: "Beginning at 10am, I poured a constant stream of alcohol down my throat, got behind the wheel of an RV, drag-raced an ambulance, destroyed an apartment building, crashed into dozens of vehicles, hurled bottles and cans at random cars, got in a multi-vehicle chase, terrorized the most dangerous part of New York City for hours, started a riot, got arrested, sobered up enough to beat every charge within five hours, went back out, got drunk again, and finished the night by fucking a Playboy girl at 3am."
• Sometimes Tucker's stories are so insane that I'm almost tempted to think they're fake, but then he goes and includes photos to prove that they're true... like a his real criminal mugshot (which is by far not near as attractive as the mock-mugshot they took for the cover), photos of the midgets he slept with, photos of a girl getting a "I fucked Tucker Max" tattoo, a photo of an amputee that he slept with, and so forth. It reminds me of when I tell my mom about the crazy stories from my own life. She always responds by laughing and saying, "You can't make that crap up."

Memorable quotes:

• "I will not apologize for being awesome." ~ Tucker
• "I will never understand why people get so upset at things I don’t even remember saying." ~ Tucker 
• "Drinking is a problem only if you're not good at it." ~ Tucker
• "If God knew where my mouth had been, he'd retire." ~ Tucker
• "If I understood why I do the things I do when I'm drunk, I'd be ... rich ... or less drunk ... or something." ~ Tucker
• "Every time I think I’ve hit bottom, every time I think I can sink no lower, every time I think I have slammed face first into the bedrock of depravity, I find a new low. It’s like my life is a limbo contest with the devil holding the stick -- how low can Tucker go?" ~ Tucker
• "You know that look a cop gives you when he’s so confused that he doesn’t even know how to respond? If you don’t know that look, it means you haven’t had enough fun in your life." ~ Tucker
• "I don’t want to play you. I just want to have sex with you, and then not talk to you anymore after that. That’s not playing you; that’s being honest." ~ Tucker after a girl calls him a player
• "Ladies, you may not realize this, understand this, or even believe this, but everything else we do is ultimately for you. Men don’t do anything -- create art, build businesses, donate to charity, invent things, or do anything noteworthy -- for any reason other than to impress women, and thus get them to have sex with us. If women didn’t exist, we’d still just be naked grunting apes living in caves. In a very real way, pussy is the key to human civilization. You don’t have to like it, but it’s a fact; if you understand it, you understand men." ~ Tucker
• "She was not attractive. On a scale of 1 to 10, she should have hung herself. The pear-shape of her body was so pronounced she looked like a nesting doll made of owl pellets." ~ Tucker
• "Why would you drink a beer without alcohol? That’s like dating a woman without a vagina." ~ Tucker
• "Karma may be a bitch, but its because I fucked her and never called her back." ~ Tucker
• "Even though I’d slept with one, part of me still believed that midgets were mythical creatures, like unicorns and educated guidos." ~ Tucker
• "You show me a truly funny girl who doesn’t have emotional issues, and I’ll introduce you to my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys." ~ Tucker
• "Pretending to be something you aren’t because you’re trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy; living the life you want to live is. It’s that simple." ~ Tucker
• "Of all the types of women, I like sluts the best. Mainly because they are the most receptive to me putting my penis in their vaginas." ~ Tucker
• "Why don’t you go back to your regularly scheduled program of shame fucking retards and crying yourself to sleep, and leave me alone." ~ SlingBlade to Tucker
• "I love women, I love alcohol, and I love combining the two. If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself." ~ Tucker
• "Tuuucker Maaaax! Oh my god! I’m so going to drink you under the table!" ~ Girl
  "Sweetie, the only way you could drink me under the table is if I go there to hide from you." ~ Tucker
• "You love your dog more than you ever loved me!" ~ Alexa to Tucker
• "Hate and love are emotions. You are a sociopath. You don't feel anything." ~ Tucker to Alexa
• "You know how when you pine after something really badly, like a cool toy or a new car or whatever, once you get it, it's never as good as you imagined it would be? This was the opposite. This was so much better than I could've ever dreamed. No possession of mine, before or since, has ever completed me the way that bullhorn did; it embodied all of the characteristics that I consider most essential to myself ... and amplified them." ~ Tucker
• "The double standard makes perfect sense, you just have to see it in the proper perspective. My grandfather put it to me this way: If a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock." ~ PWJ to slutty girl, trying to explain why it's ok if a man sleep with lots of women, but women are sluts if they sleep with lots of men
• "Some people think I'm horrible to women, while the women who want to be treated like shit think I don't treat them bad enough. What the fuck? I can't win." ~ Tucker
• "I think if the drunk you fought the sober you, they'd both lose." ~ Soylent to Sippy
• "Friends don't let friends drive an RV alone all night while wired on Red Bull." ~ Tucker
• "Despite being so close to a fiery death, I could not stop laughing. Soylent is an ex-Marine -- who's been in real combat, with people shooting at him -- and here he was in a state of panicked fear, put there by the driving of a 22 year old entry-level consultant." ~ Tucker
• "Not even OxiClean and a ShamWow! would be able to get this stain off my soul." ~ Tucker
• "When you can shock Dr. Drew, you've really accomplished something. Whether it's good or bad -- or causes testicular cancer -- is a different issue. But it's definitely something." ~ Tucker
• "There is no relationship between sanity and sexual skill." ~ Tucker
• "You can fuck with me all you want -- I'm a pro, I can handle it -- but you do NOT mess with my doggy daughter." ~ Tucker
• "It's weird, but super-high-stress situations seem to bring a calm over me. If my vacuum cleaner won't start, I get enraged and freak out and can't deal with it. But put me in a ten-car pile-up or bar fight or something like that, and I'm calm as a baby on Benadryl. That's one of the few benefits of having parents who are yellers; you learn at a young age how to stay calm in the face of serious stress and trauma." ~ Tucker

Buy on Amazon.com: Assholes Finish First