Book #10: Hilarity Ensues

Title: Hilarity Ensues (According to the dust cover, apparently this is being called the third in final book in a trilogy of Tucker's books, including "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" and "Assholes Finish First." This is the first time I've ever heard of them being called a trilogy.")

Author: Tucker Max

Date started reading: Feb. 05, 2013
Date finished reading: ------

Publish date: February 2012
ISBN: 978-1451669039
Number of pages: 448

Official summary: "Tucker Max’s third and final book in his series of stories about his drunken debauchery and ridiculous antics. What began as a simple sentence on an obscure website, 'My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole,' and developed into two infamously genre-defining books, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell and Assholes Finish First, ends here. But as you should expect from Tucker by now, he is going out with a bang — literally and figuratively. In this book, you’ll learn:

• How to live and work in Cancun, while still enrolled in Law School, 
• Why Halloween is really awesome, 
• How to subtly torture a highstrung roommate until he explodes with furious anger over a misplaced condiment, 
• What really happened when a dirty pageant girl tried to sue Tucker because he told the truth, 
• Why you should never accept a homemade treat from a hippie with a van, and 
• What happens when Tucker turns sexting into a sport. 

He’s still Tucker Max, and — for one more book — he’s still an asshole." (http://www.tuckermax.com)

How I obtained the book: Got as a Christmas present

My commentary:

• I decided I needed a little break from all the emotional books I've been reading so far this year, so I picked this one up off my shelf. I'll be back to my normally scheduled emotion-inducing-supernatural books soon. 
• I'm so glad Tucker's website has a bunch of his books' best lines, so I don't have to type up everything I want to quote. I can just copy and paste some of them. It makes this a lot easier.
• I normally am supportive of what Tucker does/say because of the freedom of speech and the fact that I think he's awesome, but in this book, he goes on and on about the girl who had sued him. He wanted to tell his side of the story since he won the case and could finally tell his side, but dear God, he goes on and on and on for 82 pages about it. There's telling your story and then there's telling it and then being immature and vindictive. 

Memorable quotes:

• “I never understand why women think drama and bullshit are attractive to guys. They’re not. I’m going to be real clear about this, ladies, so pay attention: Prince Charming doesn’t come to rescue cunty lunatics.” ~ Tucker 
• “Things always work out for me because I do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences.” ~ Tucker 
• “I know this really sexy move you can do with your mouth. It’s called ‘shutting the fuck up.’” ~ Tucker 
• “Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.” ~ Tucker 
• “I’m Tucker Max. Nothing is ever my fault, not even the things I do wrong.” ~ Tucker 
• “They say if you love someone, set them free, so I did. But that girl never came back, so I don’t love the girls tied up in my basement anymore, I just appreciate them.” ~ SlingBlade 
• “I decide to walk up to random girls with a pen in my hand and ask them what their street address is. We have no takers.” ~ SlingBlade 
• “I don’t understand why people say alcohol is a depressant. That’s not really how it works for us.” ~ Tucker 
• “You know that saying, ‘no matter how hot she is, someone somewhere is sick of her shit?’ This was the type of girl that had a lot of someones in a lot of somewheres.” ~ Tucker 
• “Let me tell you something: There is nothing more disturbing than a pile of shit where it doesn’t belong.” ~ Tucker 
• "My penis will solve all your problems.” ~ Tucker 
• “Don’t you worry about me — I don’t get drunk, I get awesome.” ~ Tucker 
• "Your back fat could have its own bra! Look at yourself — you look like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup!” ~ Tucker to fat girl 
• “I am afraid of riding on motorcycles and angry Persian women holding knives, but when it comes to rejection, I’m fresh out of fucks to give.” ~ Tucker 
• “Logical consistency is for stupid sluts who dance on tables.” ~ SlingBlade 
• "The truth is, sometimes I can be a pathetic hump donkey, and this was one of those times.” ~ Tucker 
• “I’m curious — the abortion where your soul should be: Is it filled with human excrement or dog excrement?” ~ SlingBlade 
• “Opinions are NOT like assholes. You can’t shove your dick in an opinion.” ~ Tucker 
• "Everything about law school is a complete fucking joke." ~ Tucker
• "When you spot market inefficiencies you don't tip your cap and go on your merry way. You ruthlessly exploit the fuck out of them." ~ Tucker
• "I woke up every morning sending out AMBER Alerts for my dignity." ~ Tucker
• "My penis is going to be in something tonight. The more you talk, the less likely it'll be you." ~ Tucker to hot girl
• "I can be sensitive sometimes. Right up until I sleep with you. Then I inject all my sensitivity right into you, and it's gone." ~ Tucker to hot girl
•  "To get hwat you want out of life, all you really need to do is be honest about it, don't be afraid to go for it, and have fun while you do it -- and you'll eventually get it." ~ Tucker
• "Sometimes I disgust even myself." ~ Tucker
• "What I didn't know then, that I do now is that easy status and success comes with a very high price: your soul." ~ Tucker
• "Whoever said that Washington, DC was 'Hollywood for ugly people' is fucking brilliant." ~ Tucker
• "The great thing about Halloween costumes is that they're a window into the hearts and souls of the people who wear them. Well guess what -- most people are delusional idiots." ~ Tucker
• "Gluten addiction -- the silent cock-blocker." ~ Tucker
• "Some people learn by watching others. Some learn by making mistakes. I learn by getting my ass handed to me." ~ Tucker
• "Nothing pisses me off like passive-aggressiveness. If you have something to say, fucking say it, and deal with the consequences. If you won't say it to a person's face, then shut the fuck up and move on." ~ Tucker
• "If mayonnaise were a racial minority, Hate would have gone to jail for hate crimes against it years ago." ~ Tucker
• "I'm a slave to my dick." ~ Tucker
• "Stuff like this is the reason people say fact is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. Reality doesn't have to do shit." ~ Tucker
• "Only a stripper could meet Tucker Max and think 'I want to date this man.'" ~ SlingBlade
• "I would date a girl, it's just that women are like parking spots: All the good ones are taken, and once you see a great one that you think is available, it turns out to be handicapped." ~ Tucker
• "For me, the thrill in meeting new people comes from the fact that I hate everyone I already know. That first thirty seconds before I realize they are just as stupid as everyone else, that's just pure bliss." ~ SlingBlade
• "If I can't make fun of disgusting whores, then what's the point of America?" ~ SlingBlade

Buy on Amazon.com: Hilarity Ensues